Finally, tell your partner to get support from a gambling awareness charity such as Gamcare. They also offer confidential support and advice for family and friends of those with gambling problems. You can contact them online or by phone on 0808 8020 133 every day 8am to midnight. DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my boyfriend has a gambling addiction. I had been trying to figure out what was going on. He would get paid and then disappear for days at a time and then.
We ask Rachel Connor from debt advice charity StepChange, as part of Talk Money Week, to answer the following question. Join in the conversation on Twitter and tell us what you would advise.
Question
Gambling is like any other addiction. You have to want to stop before you can. I am a former drug addict and now a gambling addict though I don’t gamble away my savings ( I would if I lived closer to the casino and could go more often). Addicts of any kind lie and tries to justify what they are doing. U can’t make him stop. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now and we love each other very much. He’s always gambled a little here and there but ever since he got laid off in August (he gets unemployment benefits at the moment) he’s been joining online poker rooms.
I’m worried about my husband and I think he may be hiding something from me. He seems to be getting more and more scary looking letters through the door, and they disappear quickly so I can’t see what they are.
When I ask him about them, he gets defensive and says they’re just junk mail. He goes out every evening pretty much, and most of the weekends too and my friend said she keeps seeing him at the local bookies.
When he’s in, he locks himself away in the spare room. He’s always been a bit of a gambler, but it’s never been a problem before.
We’ve never been short of money in the past, but things keep going missing. Cash has disappeared from my purse and now my gold bracelet which my mother gave to me has gone.
I’ve searched the house top to bottom for it. I just don’t think I could ask if he’s stealing from me. Has he got us into trouble with money? Will he be truthful?
I have no idea what to do.
Anon, UK
Answer
Dear Anon,
I’m really sorry to hear about the stressful situation you’ve been dealing with. From what you’ve described, there’s a chance your husband may be dealing with a gambling addiction.
This can not only be difficult for him, but also for you, his partner. You clearly want to help him, but may be unsure how to support him in his recovery.
Gambling is a powerful addiction, so it’s important that you understand what your partner’s dealing with, and actions you can take/
According to the relationship counselling charity Relate, there are several danger signs of a gambling problem to look out for. Some of them seem to match up with what you’ve been witnessing lately. They include:
- Spending a lot of time away from the house and being vague or secretive about it. Some gamblers get up early in the morning to gamble while their partner or family are asleep.
- Becoming defensive whenever money is discussed.
- Hiding bank statements.
- Unexplained payments coming out of your bank account(s).
- Emotional highs and lows.
Even though your partner is the one facing the problem, how you feel is important, too.
Talk to someone
You’ve already mentioned that a friend’s noticed your husband’s behaviour. Do you trust this friend? Can you talk to them in confidence about how you’re feeling, or do you have anyone else you can talk to?
Having someone to share your feelings with can really help your own mental wellbeing.
My Boyfriend Has A Gambling Problem How Can I Help
Your GP can refer you and your partner to local support groups that specialise in gambling recovery. You could also encourage your partner to talk in confidence with their HR department or trade union about what they’re going through.
Is there any way to help your partner avoid the temptation to gamble? According to the Gambling Commission, there are over 8,500 betting shops in the UK. As a result, your partner may have to fight an impulse to gamble every time they walk along the local high street.
Have a think about the different gambling ‘triggers’ that may arise for them. For example:
- Can they take an alternative route to the shops, or to work?
- Are they pressured into gambling by friends or colleagues (during lunch breaks, on nights out etc.)?
- Are there any apps on their phone that encourage gambling?
Get support
Finally, tell your partner to get support from a gambling awareness charity such as Gamcare. They also offer confidential support and advice for family and friends of those with gambling problems.
You can contact them online or by phone on 0808 8020 133 every day 8am to midnight.
Your partner can even talk in confidence at local meetings held by Gamblers Anonymous. Sharing their problem with others who are seeking help with gambling can make them feel less alone.
Recovering from a gambling addition could take its toll, mentally and emotionally. Seek support for your mental wellbeing from charities such as Mind and Time to Talk.
If you have a mental health assistance scheme through your employer, then please take advantage of it. By giving yourself the support you need, you’ll be in a much better position to help your partner through recovery.
If your partner’s in debt due to gambling, we recommend that they get expert gambling advice as well as free and confidential debt advice.
If they don’t seek help with their addiction, there’s a high chance they may fall back into gambling, which could make their debt problem worse.
Citizens Advice has recently joined forces with GambleAware to offer support to gamblers who are also dealing with a debt problem. At StepChange Debt Charity we also offer free and confidential debt advice over the telephone and online.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to gambling problems, and different approaches work for different people. However, help is available and neither of you have to face the problem alone.
I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend and realize that he is addicted to online poker. All of his free time is spent playing on the internet. He’s already lost over $1000, but considers this an education… like spending money on college. He ignores me and his 2 small kids when he’s home, because he plays at least 6 hrs a day. I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, but I am so tired of this. I’d rather him ignore me for his kids. They are upset too, but it doesn’t seem to matter. He asked me if I thought that he had a problem, and I told him yes. Afterwards, he sneaks back to the living room to continue this addiction. I’m not sure the best way to handle this. If I get real mad, he says that I have an attitude. I feel like I am walking on eggshells….
— — —
This is so hard because when a gambler is in the grips of compulsive gambling no one from the outside world can penetrate their little utopia. Other than removing the computer from the house or disconnecting the internet there really isn’t much you can do until he realizes HE has a PROBLEM. If he is not careful this ‘education’ will cost him his family. I wish I had some words of encouragement or something you can do but it has to come from him.
Many people (like myself) don’t stop until they have hit rock bottom which means the family, house and friends are all gone. You may want to sit him down and speak very frankly about his addiction and if this doesn’t work you will have to protect yourself and the children because compulsive gamblers (like myself) will stop at nothing to continue their fantasy life. I wish you the best.
Paul
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Thanks for your reply! We’ve already had a few discussions and I realize that there’s really nothing I can do. I just find other things to do while he is gambling, without complaining. The kids are making comments to him, so I hope that eventually it gets through. I did realize that his problem makes me realize my need for attention. That’s something that I need to deal with as well. I just pray that he realizes all the sacrifices he’s making right now for the ‘rush’ and the possibility of earning back all the money he’s lost in this game. For now, I’m just going to concentrate on myself!
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nopepper:
Hi, i can understand where your boyfriend is coming from because when playing online poker you are lead to believe that the more you play the better you will get. That is why he feels he his paying for an education. Does he have an addictive personality? Does he gamble on anything else?
Poker in itself can be profitbale if you can approach it correeclty and with the coreect attitude. However, if he is a gambler at heart (like myself) poker will suck you dry like no other.
My suggestion is two fold..
1) If possible I would block all sites from his internet browser and change the admin password. This may cause a serious confronation.
2) Ask him to come on here and read some stories. I can talk to him if you like, it can only help.
This is my first step towards recovery. I am hoping that if I can help others quit, it will in turn help myself get out of the loop.
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My Boyfriend Has A Serious Gambling Problems
support
Joined: 24 Jul 2006
Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:51 am Post subject: Online Gambling Addiction Help
Hello,
I am the founder of www.problempoker.com, a problem gambling advocacy group. Our goal is to encourage responsible gambling and help individuals stop gambling online. We started a voluntary self-exclusion program, whereby we prevent individuals from accessing online gambling web sites by filtering their existing web connection. The individual are not able to remove our filter, and it guards their computer from content providing online wagering activities. Please take the opportunity to look at our site, and feel free to email me back with any comments or criticisms.
Thanks you for your time.
My fiance has not gambled for almost a year, I think he now has another addiction. ›
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boyfriend with online poker addiction
By blurugret — Posted on January 9th, 2007
I am also in a relationship with a man with an online poker addiction. It has been so incredibly painful. He has lost over $100K. He knows it is a problem and is in the beginning stages of getting help. He has had a couple relapses and that has been enough for me. I told him recently that this was it. I can no longer continue if he relapses again and that I will leave the relationship if he relapses. I feel confident about my decision. I suggest that you figure out what is best for you in your life. Once you do that, make it very clear to him what your limits and boundaries are and then prepare yourself to stick by what you say. It is painful and hard but what I have experienced is that once I got to that point of ‘no more’, if I have to follow through with my ultimatums then I can do it, because it is My life and it is HIS problem. I know that it is so stressful and troubling. I cannot imagine what it is like with children involved. Can you point out to him how his actions are affecting the children. Are his actions putting him at risk of loosing the children? If yes, then make it very clear that it is his actions that are causing the problems in the family and that is not acceptable and then point out what you are going to do for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
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Boyfriend with a gambling problem
By skrush — Posted on March 27th, 2007
I can’t really believe i’m actually at this point with his problem, that i’m writing in online forums you know? haha, but I feel both of your pain. He started playing online poker about 2 years ago and he’s not legal to gamble yet (except for Tampa that is) so online poker is his life. He is a freshman in college and it’s really creating problems with his education. He does realize that he needs an education, but he says school gets in the way of online playing. He will play for at least like 7 hours a day i’d say. It’s frustrating to call him and never get a reply back to anything i say because he’s busy playing, and if he does call back it’s so late (like 6am). I really believe he can achieve what he wants (become a professional poker player) but i do not know how to show my support anymore, because anything i do goes un noticed! Please help!
